Last Monday, we went to the doctor for Eci’s weekly pregnancy checkup. There were reasons for my wife prohibiting her to deliver the child normally. We’d knew about it during the last ~9 months but that day, it really struck me deep.
We are about to be parents in one more week.
All the right (and wrong) choices I made in the past did not prepared me at all for being a father. To hear from the doctor that it can be as soon as this Sunday made me reflect on what has happened leading to this moment.
I can’t start to explain how much I missed Oma since He took her 21 April 2014. There were no regrets, I always did what I could and whole heartedly so for her. My first paycheck was spent to take her and my brothers for a lunch in a proper restaurant. I don’t have any regrets.
But there’s a gaping hole inside of me. In there is quiet. No sound, no views, no one, just the deafening silence of loss.
To this day, I’ve lost 2 of the best people I’m lucky enough to be part of their family. The first loss of Opung was full of denials. I haven’t done anything in my life back then. I was still a studying. My anger towards myself is because I failed to him.
From that point in life, I reacted. I work my way slowly and just in time November 2013 for Oma to see me got married. In my heart, if anything happens to Oma, she can tell Opung that I’ve changed. I’m not that spoiled kid anymore.
To know that my wife is pregnant is another joy I wanted Oma to tell Opung. Oma was there from the beginning. She witnessed my marriage and even got the time to see her great grandchild through USG.
Right now Oma is not here anymore. I’m struggling for closure. With Opung, it took exactly 3 days for closure:
Anyone’s purpose in life is to understand love; and to love. If you’ve love enough then it’s your time to go.
It’s been 3 months after Oma’s passing. I’m still not finding closure.
The passing of Oma and Opung taught me that I have an enormous amount of love in my heart. The capacity is endless. All that love was poured into a song me and Ina wrote: My Dear One
When Oma was celebrating her birthday, the family put together a grand event at Hotel Kemang. We performed this song for her. It was amazing. DIY can’t be any satisfying.
My closure is with my son’s birth I tell myself. We prepared a middle name for him taken from Oma’s first name. A Batak name.
ROSADA
The meaning is “Datang Satu” in Indonesian.
In English it’s “Firstborn”.
Oma’s name is Rozada Emily Annie Harahap br. Hutasoit.
Fast forward to last Monday again, it hit me. I felt that urge of emotion racing in my heart when I heard that next week our son is going to see the world. It’s not emotion, it’s the enormous amount of love I have within me for our son. The same love that turned my life around.
The kind of love that doesn’t chooses who to love. It’s just there, always there in its infinite amount to be given. I can’t have less love to give.
Can’t wait to see you son. Your parents wants you. And needs you. See you soon!